[05 Nov 2008|06:22pm] i started the internship 2 months ago and i am 100% the oppisite girl i was. maybe not 100% but i'm in the process of making it 100%. because all i really want to do is get rid of me and make room for Jesus to consume every part of me. so that its not me walking, talking, or breathing but Jesus Himself. theres some funky junk going on today and i havent been online in what feels like months and looking around at ppl on myspace it makes me so desperate for Jesus because ppl are in such a bad place! every single person on any of my friends list's anywhere are in such a crappy place that i'm desperate for Jesus for them. its so depressing coming online and seeing how desperatly unhappy ppl are and seeing how they try to fill their happiness with crap of the world. i'm sorry ppl but you need some G.O.D. in your lives and quick. post comment

[04 Aug 2008|10:23am] [ mood | happy ] i'm never on here. who reads it anyway? got a job at ralph lauren. in the process of getting a job at coach. glad to be doing SOMETHING. its been a very lame summer. probably the mix of all my friends giving birth and then no bff to have random adventures with is probably the reason why this summer has been so boring. oh well. the internship at church starts sep 3 and i'm excited yet nervous. i know i'm going to be working my ass off. i'm excited to start living gloriously for God. it was quite a struggle getting into the internship. my parents didnt support it, my sister was going off and on, the money was a huge issue. after writing a letter to the church congregation someone gave me a check of $1200. can you believe that? someone believed in me enough to give me the whole deposit! God is so good. honestly He is. and its the weirdest thing because we all know how awesome and powerful and good He is so why cant we just let Him do and be those things in our lives? its like we work ourselves up so much oh i hope this i hope that. if we know God is so faithful why do we stress ourselves out so much? why cant we just let Him be faithful. well He totally proved himself to me in that situation and God is good. other then all the internship stuff i've just been spending time with rana and baby aris and chelsea and baby parker. and meghan and baby lily. because all my effing friends have kids now! and they ask me when am i going to have a kid. uhm why dont i get a husband first. or even a boyfriend for that matter! i'm glad i'm not dating right now. i'm patiently waiting for my knight in shining armor/perfect man cause hes out there and i'm not gonna waste my time on losers like i've done in the past. overall i acknowledge that a new phase of my life is about to begin and i'm quite excited. 1 comment|post comment

[16 Jul 2008|09:15pm] i feel so stressed out! i wish i could just go on a country cruise, smoke a fatty, and try and chill out and figure some shit out. 30 seconds ago i felt like writing but now i feel speachless and that writing out all my issues and fears isnt really solving anything. post comment

[13 May 2008|10:34pm] why is it that whenever i'm at church i'm the most happiest, inspired, passionate person. and everything makes sense. but then i get home and i throw it out the window. it just doesnt make sense! i feel like i'm the only messed up person out there and that in one way or another everyone else has such better lives then me. i'm totally delusional and i dont know what the hell is going on. why cant i just be who God wants me to be and get along with my life? post comment

[01 May 2008|09:40pm] so i havent updated in awhile. had a huge falling out with brittany and i've been trying to put the pieces back together ever since but its not really working. and i hate that. i havent heard from lia in like a month or two. last time i talked to her i was so caught up in all the stories she was telling i dont really know whats true and whats just a story. i think i saw her driving the other day and i've tried calling her and texting her like a hundred times but i get nothing. i guess i just have to give her her space. i have been going through the internship process for my church and i'm hoping that it all works out. including a way to get the money for the down payment and the monthly payments. if i dont get accepted i still want to take a semester off. when i do go back to school though i want to take cosmetology units and give that a try. i was offered a summer position at the place where i get my hair done, being their secretary. i really hope that works out too because my job ends when the school year does. God, please just hook me up!! i took some time off of my mary kay so now i'm really behind. i wanted to be finished with my car by now! i want to be on my way to set records! and now i'm all behind with my friends who started the same time as me already in leadership positions and some girl in another unit trying to set one of the records that i wanted to. mary kay isnt competitive at all but i just see their success and i want it too. so month of may is going to be MY month and i'm going to kick ass! i also have a vacation to chicago to visit my family over there, my me'me and aunt and cousins. i'm actually sooo excited because my me'me and i talk every week and she is so awesome and its such a wonderful thing to have a relationship with her, when for so long we didnt have one at all. and then another trip to orgegon a month after we get back for my other cousins wedding. been trying to make plans with jenna for 3 months and every time it falls through and i hate that because she really is my best friend and sometimes i feel like i make more of an effort to make plans then she does. again tonight we tried to work things out and it didnt work out again. hella a bummer. sex and the city in a month and i'm gonna try and rewatch the whole serious so i can watch it on opening day and be all caught up. and i'm in the process of going blonde. post comment

[29 Mar 2008|04:50pm] sometimes i just cant help but be human. i'm sorry that i still miss him and i really totally shouldnt. he wasnt even that good to me anyways! i have complete trust in my God but sometimes i'm human and i cant help but stumble and think back to good times which seem so far away, especially when right now i'm totally down. too much going on to express in simply words. post comment

[22 Mar 2008|05:19pm] Its been a crazy couple of weeks. Getting my business started and then school and work and family on top of that. Sometimes life is just crazy and up and down and theres nothing you can really do to stop that. Never speaking to kristen again. Deleting savanahs number forever. I'm at a point where i just need to discard people out of my life and never speak to them again. Its such a dissipointment but when Brittany and i talked it really makes sense. No matter how much you love someone, you cant change them. And you cant wait around for them to change because hunny, they never will. So they are out and hopefully a good christian boy will be in. Not saying that i'm even talking to anyone or seeing anyone right now but i'm praying that i can get my ducks in order and finally be in a good stable relationship ASAP! All for now, pray for my sanity. post comment

[10 Mar 2008|09:32am] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | hillsong united ] so i've been a bit stressed. i started selling mary kay and its a great job to have but i'm just trying to get started and everyone i try to get to help me fail me. all i want to do is give free facials and have you try products for free, not a bad thing? i should be leaving for school right now but i dont really even want to go. i hate wasting gas just to go to a class where i dont agree with my teacher. its been a crazy couple of weeks with a lot of emotional rollercoasters. saw nora and kristen, did a photoshoot, got my first good paycheck in like 9 months!, started selling mary kay, actually been busy instead of bored. i trust in God to provide for me so i'm not gonna worry another second about get my 5 team members. i think i'm officially out of my mind! post comment

[26 Feb 2008|09:38pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] Very positive things happened today. I am estatic. post comment

update [21 Feb 2008|10:28am] i started my job. i dont know if i like it or hate it but so far i'm enjoying it. i feel like theres a lot going on and yet when i try to write it down it feels like nothing. i dont really want to go to school anymore and when i even bring up doing something other then school everyone gets really angry and that frustrates me because they werent on my sisters ass when she didnt go to college. i dont know. i feel like theres something more productive for me to be doing because i cant see what i'm doing from a good perspective. i dont see where its taking me. i'm in a funk because i had a terrible dream last night and now he is on my mind and i hate it when he is. i have a lot of homework to do and i dont really wanna do it. this was a stupid post. post comment

happy valentines day [14 Feb 2008|04:23pm] i'm leaving soon to go to mrs wests house to go babysit. i'm glad i'll at least have something to do tonight because all my friends are taken. britt and i went to look at the apartments today and we definatly found the one i think. they even said we could paint. we definatly are going red heck ya! i definatly want to intern but i definatly to not want to worry about the money or about my prepardness or about my interview. post comment

[09 Feb 2008|09:53pm] so i'm going to bubbies funeral tomorrow. i'm not sure quite what to expect because shana seems so settled about things while i'm mourning. and kelly and my relationship is weird and i dont really want to deal with her. hung out with savanah today and that went well. i know that i havent always been so optimistic with her but i've realized how high maintenance i can be so i dont blame all of our past issues on her. we've been having some good times and we've got some more planned for this summer. britt and i realized that we are an old married couple and shes in santa clara right now and that suuucks. i realized also that she is my best friend and i havent had one in a long time and i'm happy. i'm so excited to intern! hella. i'm just so excited to see what God has for me and to know that i will be in a position to find out excites me to no end. lulu and i had lunch thursday and i'm soo freaking happy for her. she moved out of stupid davids and back home and she has a new boyfriend and i'm so happy! i've been praying so much for her and God is good and He helps me take care of my sphere of influence. i'm seriously so happy for her, then her play starts in a month and perfect! praise God! i kind of miss going out till 3 and sleeping in till 12. sometimes i get lonely and i really dont care about saying it cause i'm human. and i've decided to just not be embarrassed anymore. i am who i am and i'm fabulous and i dont need to be ashamed of anything i feel or do or say. i'm really just bored and looking for something to do even if its only 10 minutes. blehhh post comment

[05 Feb 2008|04:38pm] i decided to actually update on my life rather then just saying words about my feelings toward life. i'm at sarahs, she came home from canada! but she goes back in a month. i went with her to get her lip pierced today and it was awesome, haha i was so proud of her. chelsea messaged me today and ITS A BOY!!!! i am so happy!!! and i knew it! i had dreams about it and i just knew that it was a boy. we havent been talking much and i'd rather that we did talk but i guess i'm just giving her her space. i'm going to be taking a break from school and interning at my church. i'm very excited about that. britt and i are getting an apartment in davis and that will be in august. i'm psyched. i got a job for the city of dixon working with children but i want to get another job. i dont really know what else to say. i guess a couple of others things are going on but i'd rather not gossip. i really just need to give people some space because i'm not so happy with some of their decisions and i'd rather not stress about it but just take some time. post comment

[27 Jan 2008|07:09pm] you would probably hate me now. because pretty much all my interests are jesus and fashion. and that would probably bore you. that and i have come to a place where i entirley dislike a lot of people who i considered friends, simply because, after taking time off, and going to encounter, i really cannot let my friends taint my spirit any longer. i am not going to lower my standards any longer and say that oh well its okay that you drink and party and is basically acting whorish, because i dont do those things. no, thats not okay. i've tossed and turned and changed my mind a million times in regaurds to who i consider friends, but i'm taking a stand right now. i'm tired of not living up to my full potential in christ and those dramatic drunken partying friends just arent going to cut it anymore. this wasnt so much of a pleasant update but i kinda just needed to get that out somewhere. post comment

[15 Jan 2008|11:51am] I've decided to take a break from the internet for awhile (besides e-mail). I feel like it would help me be stress free because all i really do online in lurk and thats stupid and pointless. i'd rather you call me anyway. i'll see ya in two weeks. ps britt isnt going back to san jose! shes staying home and now i am NOT bummed about my best friend moving wooo hooo! post comment

[10 Jan 2008|03:50pm] hecka depressing that my best friend is going to be going back to school in less then 2 weeks. honestly life can be so up and down and even though its crazy to follow along at least its helpful to get it down. maybe i'm just so high maitenence? i have no idea but that could be the answer as to why i yet again feel frustrated and so disconnected to basically all my friends. i know that we all have personal things going on in our lives but i think that if you seriously consider someone one of your good friends you would keep in touch. and on top of that! if i'm really your friend you shouldnt be making excuses everytime i ask you why you didnt show the last 7 times we've made plans...just for example. its just, i feel like my friendships didnt used to be this way at all. they never treated me like this and it didnt seem like it was so much work. goodness am i just being ignorant?! i dont know. and i'm fighting myself constantly because all i really feel like doing is lashing out at all the people who i feel are hurting me. at least jesus is my true friend and its cause of him that i'm not sending rude text messages to everyone. pray for me aha! post comment

[02 Jan 2008|09:23pm] I have so many new year resolutions, i'm basically trying to morph into a completly different person. post comment

[02 Jan 2008|12:32pm] i hope your new years was better then mine. my neck HURTS from the car crash but i dont want to complain. post comment

[31 Dec 2007|01:23pm] Farwell 2007, you were wonderful. post comment

[22 Dec 2007|12:24pm] A bit early for New Years Resloutions but i'm so eager for it to come. 1)Dance again 2)Ride horses again 3)Get a new car 4)Save at least $600 for FIDM 5)Start yoga Thats all i have as of yet. 1 comment|post comment

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